I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I looked at my own cervix.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
