So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
