My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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