you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
