There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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