I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
