Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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