____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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