He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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