Fine. I'll sleep in my office
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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