I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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