if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
