We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
