strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
