You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
