matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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