I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
