How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
