Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
