i think my mom watched the whole time
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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