I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
