I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
