I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
