My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
