he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize