This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
