Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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