you would pick up someone in the library
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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