I will die if light touches me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
FUCK WHALES
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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