dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
