Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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