I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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