I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
