I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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