Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
false alarm, still single
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
