Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
