I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize