I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
