she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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