hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
