I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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