dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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