I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
