Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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