My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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