wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is Oprah even human
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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