Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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