Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
