why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
