he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
