last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
