Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
