If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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