I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
