what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is Oprah even human
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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