what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
