I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
