I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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