Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
