do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
