Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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