all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
