they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
