There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
