I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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