So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
cat food counts as protein by the way
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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