I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
