From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
