I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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